By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
