Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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