Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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