Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
