No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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