I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
