she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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