So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
