I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
