I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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