Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he fucked my hip out of place.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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