A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
