Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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