9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
