You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
