On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
