im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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