He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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