so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
