Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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