I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
