You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
