The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
