Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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