she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Text me some of your sweat
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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