my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
