I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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