she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
