I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
