made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
