Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
