oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
