hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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