Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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