Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
