I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
