don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
