I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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