Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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