I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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