Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
