We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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