If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
