arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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