I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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