how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
