fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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