Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
