I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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