I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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