I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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