I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
